Moving Forward Despite an Uncertain Path – My Return to Blogging

wood-road-landscape-31518I’ve known for a very long time where I want my life to take me.  I have spent hours daydreaming and planning what I want my life to look like.  I want to be self-employed, absorbed with books, stories, and people with imagination.   I’ve been heading in that direction for a while, developing a business plan and moving forward slowly and at a pace that has been easy and comfortable.   However, in the spring a medical crisis reminded me that time is something we assume we have and is something we take for granted.

In March (2016) I became very ill.  I thought I had an odd stomach bug but after about a month of not improving and a few scary and painful spells I sought medical attention and it turned out that I needed my gallbladder removed. My surgery  in late April went well and recovery was going so smoothly that I managed to travel to the city to watch my daughters’ volleyball provincials just a few days later.  I was on my feet, moving around, feeling relatively well, albeit sore, and seemingly life would return to normal pretty soon.

I didn’t anticipate that I would almost die a few days later, just a week after surgery, when a blood clot traveled to my lungs and caused a pulmonary embolism.  My surgeon had given me a shot of heparin before my surgery as a normal precaution even though I wasn’t really considered to be at risk for developing clots.  I suspect that if he hadn’t, the clot would have been much bigger and likely would have killed me.

I also didn’t anticipate that the CT scan for my pulmonary embolism would require an IV with contrast (I’m a fainter), that I would get through it without fainting (YAY me!), and that the CT with contrast would ‘accidentally’ find several tumors and lesions on my liver which could turn out to be nothing or could be incredibly serious and life-threatening, leaving my life in limbo while I wait months for an MRI to determine the problem.

Initially, I was crippled with fear and thoughts of gloom and doom.  The internet is a horror show when you google ‘tumors on liver’.  I wasted a good week of the life that had just been spared on anxiety, locked inside the house worrying about things I have absolutely no control over.  Eventually, I went outside and sat on my deck, listened to the birds singing, watched the bunnies hop about like fools, went to the beach, and was reminded that life can be unpredictable but it’s only as scary and bad as we allow it to be.

So, I have chosen to move forward despite an uncertain path, and I can say wholeheartedly that it feels a whole lot better than sitting around feeling frightened.  I’m looking forward to launching the next phase of my publishing company next month and sharing bits and pieces of my everyday life with you through this blog.

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